Never Love a Rockstar (Never Trust Book 3) Read online

  I pressed my body in against hers at the same time I pressed my lips to hers. It was wildly inappropriate. I didn’t give a fuck. I had no idea if she felt even half of what I felt for her. But I took this chance anyway. My one small moment with our son had heightened everything. I’d been happier in those two minutes than I’d been at any point in the last four years.

  Her lips were warm, soft, and inviting. Every inch of my skin tingled as a result of this light touch. Why was kissing her so goddamned, knock-your-socks-off, amazing? They were just lips. She was just a woman. And yet, I fell for her all over again the second I pressed against her.

  I tasted her. I deepened our kiss. Just like the first time, she let me in. Her tongue met mine, matched mine, and it sent electricity through me. I ached for her. I’d been aching for four fucking years. Why couldn’t I feel anything for anyone other than her?

  Rebecca was heaven. Fucking heaven. I hated her for it. I hated the way I still wanted her. The way she still made my heart race. The way I felt so desperate for this. I only stopped when I heard Caleb make a noise.

  I stepped back, embarrassed. Maybe a little ashamed of myself. But Rebecca didn’t seem embarrassed or ashamed. She even touched my face, and softly pressed her lips to mine one more time.

  That second kiss really caught me off guard.

  Then she returned to the cart. “Do we need anything else?” she whispered. I noticed her hands were trembling. She didn’t make eye contact.

  “No.”

  “Then let’s go check out.”

  “Fine.”

  Shit, I shouldn’t have done that. It felt really good. But still... I shouldn’t have done it.

  ~ CHAPTER 10 ~

  Four Years Ago

  REBECCA

  The air in my hotel room felt stale. The cooling unit buzzed, driving me insane. It was past three in the morning, I was starving, and Caleb hadn’t returned. This was becoming a habit. The more popular the band grew, the more parties the guys and Dani were invited to. I swear to God, it was like he couldn’t say no.

  Ollie was the worst. Lately, it was a different girl every night in his bed. I wondered if not for me, would Caleb be the same way? Sleeping with any new girl who came his way?

  I hated feeling like this. I hated waiting up for him. Sometimes I joined him. He always asked me to. But the first time I saw people doing hard drugs, it freaked me out.

  I loved Caleb. But I wasn’t sure I was cut out to be a Rockstar’s girlfriend.

  My stomach grumbled again.

  I guess it was time to find the nearest vending machine. I ventured out of my room, heading through the open breezeway, toward the elevators, on the hunt for anything I could find.

  I found a vending machine. But I also found Luke, Caleb’s older brother, the guitarist of the group. Seems like he had the same idea as me.

  “Hey,” I said to him.

  “Hey,” he returned.

  He’d been trying to decide at the vending machine, dressed in only athletic shorts, no shirt, and he had his dark-frame glasses on. He took a step back when he saw me, like he was afraid I might bite.

  I don’t know what Luke’s problem was. He was always moody and always short with me. And when he wasn’t either of those things, he just ignored me.

  “Why aren’t you with the others?” I asked, wishing that the sensible one was with the rest.

  “Why aren’t you?” He sounded frustrated with me. Like he was annoyed I was even out of bed at this vending machine with him.

  I rolled my eyes. It was a good thing he was a jackass ninety percent of the time. Because I found this jackass to be insanely attractive. He was tall, lean, and had a sexy factor about him that I don’t think he was aware of. When girls approached him, he was always awkward, in a way I found way too cute. And those glasses, if he only knew how handsome they were on his face, he’d probably wear them all the time. It wasn’t a good thing to think your boyfriend’s brother looked this good, so it helped that he hated me.

  “I’m getting sick of it all,” I complained. I don’t know what made me be honest. But as I stepped in front of him to feed my money into the machine, I told him exactly how I felt. “I’m sick of living in the van. I’m sick of the different cities. I’m sick of girls hitting on my boyfriend. I’m sick of these late nights, waiting up.”

  “Me too,” he said. “I hate it all too. Except the part about girls hitting on my boyfriend. I don’t have that problem.”

  I laughed. Who knew Luke Mills had a sense of humor? “Why are you still up?” I turned around to stare at him. “The insomnia thing?”

  In the first few months of touring with Caleb, we’d all shared one hotel room. So I often would fall asleep listening to Luke toss and turn on the other side of the room. He had to be especially exhausted dealing with that and with this lifestyle. Now that the guys had some popularity, we no longer had to share hotel rooms. Thank God for that, at the very least.

  Luke hit a button on the vending machine, selecting for me when I had yet to decide for myself. I hung my mouth open in protest, about to complain. Except, as I spun around, I saw he’d made the very choice I would have made.

  Peanut M&Ms.

  Was he a mind reader? How did he know that was my choice? “How did you do that?” I demanded.

  “I pushed the button.”

  “Don’t be smart with me.”

  “I pay attention.”

  Hell, I don’t even know if Caleb could have done that. I put another dollar into the machine and turned around, daring him to do it again.

  He stepped closer, staring at me with this cocky grin I’d never seen on him before. One that really had my heart thudding. Then he pushed the button for the cheese crackers. Dammit, that was exactly what I would have gotten from the machine myself. Was I that predictable? No, I wasn’t. I stared at him, waiting on an explanation for this minding-reading sorcery.

  “When you’re on your period, it’s always the Hershey bar.” How did he freaking know when I was on my period? “When you aren’t, when it’s late, you still go for chocolate. It was a fifty-fifty guess between the Peanut M&Ms and the Snickers. Then once I knew the M&Ms were correct, the cheese crackers were obvious. You always get those two together.”

  Okay, I seriously did not eat out of the vending machine as often as he was making it seem. I worked hard in the gym, in whatever gym I could find being on the road all the time, and I was not about to blow that hard work with a million snacks. But I did go sometimes. I did have my preferences. And he’d noticed them. Why had he noticed them?

  “Can I try for you?” I asked.

  That elicited the biggest smile I’d ever seen on Luke’s lips. And the guy never smiled. Heat hit my face seeing him like that, knowing I’d provoked it.

  “Yes. I don’t even know what I want myself, so this should be interesting. There’s no chance in hell you could guess for me.” He gave the machine all the coins he had in one of his pockets.

  Now that it had his credit, I stared at the contents of the machine, pressing my hands to the plastic. Luke stood close behind me, watching. I was so damn aware of him. Everything was calm on this humid night in Texas. No another soul around in this empty, open, breezeway. Only the sound of sequoias to keep us company. My body began to buzz as I realized I knew his choice too.

  The Starbursts.

  I’d done the guys’ laundry before. I’d found the little wrappers in his pants pockets before. Come to think of it, he often smelled like those fruity, sweet candies. For a moment, I considered picking wrong, so he wouldn’t know I knew. But I didn’t. I played with fire, and I pushed the button for the Starburst.

  He made a sound, clearly shocked I had any idea.

  As the candy fell to the bottom on the vending machine, I muttered, “I knew, too.”

  I stepped away so he could retrieve it. But he didn’t move to pick it up. Then I didn’t move to go back to my room. And when our eyes met, I knew the danger. I knew the danger of staying here with him another moment.

  ~ CHAPTER 11 ~

  Present Day

  LUKE

  This wasn’t good. I still couldn’t catch my breath. We were halfway to the house, and I still hadn’t figured out my words.

  How do I tell her that kiss was a mistake?

  “How come you don’t wear glasses anymore?” she muttered, her eyes on her window, away from me. She’d been quiet since I kissed her.

  I cleared my throat. “I got Lasik surgery.” It was one of the first things I’d bought the very second I had money.

  “Oh.”

  Why was she thinking about me in glasses? Why was that on her mind? Did she like me in glasses? Was she remembering something from the past?

  Whatever.

  No matter what was on her mind, she shouldn’t be thinking about me in any regard. And it was completely my fault that she was.

  We reached my house and I cut the engine on the car. “You’re always going to be Caleb’s girl,” I told her. “I know Caleb’s with a new girl. But you were his first. And that’s how I will always see you. I’m sorry I crossed a line earlier. I just want to be roommates. Nothing else.”

  I got out of the car. My heart slammed inside my chest. Because, I realized, I wanted her just as hard as I’d ever wanted her. Nothing in life would ever change that. Which was so fucking unfair.

  I went to the trunk, grabbing an arm full of stuff, and then before Rebecca had a chance to even get out of the passenger seat, I headed into the house.

  I had work to do.

  I had a girl I needed to learn how to fall out of love with all over again. Only problem, I don’t think, even in four years, I ever learned how to do that.

  ~ CHAPTER 12 ~

  REBECCA

  Luke was in a mood. I mean, a ‘don’t-fuck-with-me, don’t-speak-to-me, I-think-you’re-the-she-devil’ kind of a mood. I wasn’t about to try to talk to him. I wasn’t about to get in his way. I played with little Caleb in the living room—with all his new Peppa Pig toys while Luke gave the second bedroom a makeover.

  That kiss in Target... oh my God, that kiss in Target! It still had my heart racing. And Luke having his little ‘typical-Luke-melt-down-freak-out’ wasn’t going to ruin that kiss for me.

  Because it was so fucking good. I felt it from my toes to my lips and everywhere in between. I hadn’t been with a man in years. I hadn’t even kissed a man in years. Actually, I think Luke was the last man I had kissed, the last man I let touch me, certainly the last man I let inside me. When you are a single mom, constantly working dead-end jobs, whose only concern is your kid and staying afloat—romance and kisses like that aren’t a part of daily life. Sex? Ha! Yeah, right. I hadn’t felt sexy in years.

  I don’t know what had come over Luke. I looked like shit in Target today. I had on my sweats, my ugly old winter coat, and my hair was in a sideways ponytail. I looked like something the cat dragged home.

  And yet... he kissed me with the same passion he had that night long ago in Texas. Of course my mind went straight to the past. Straight to the vending machines.

  He told me I’d always be Caleb’s girl. But you know what? I wasn’t Caleb’s girl. I wasn’t Luke’s girl. I was no one’s girl. And if he wanted to be obsessed with old details—fine.

  But he wasn’t going to take that kiss from me. It was out there now. Out in the open and he couldn’t take it back.

  Later in the day, after lunch, when it was almost time for little Caleb’s nap, I ventured down the hall to where Luke still worked in the room.

  When I saw what he’d done to the room, I caught my breath. He’d moved all the guitars that had previously lined the walls. He’d moved his clothes from the closet. The bedding, the rug, the shelves—all of it came together. I’d thought he’d been picking stuff at random. But he hadn’t been. It was a kid’s room now. My kid’s room. And for as nonchalant as I thought I was about our kiss in Target, suddenly it hit me.

  Smack between the eyes, it hit me.

  Luke was so damn handsome. And he kissed like a Greek God. Made love like you were the only woman in the world that mattered. “You shouldn’t have kissed me if you don’t want to be with me,” I suddenly protested.

  “I’m aware,” he said evenly, standing from the floor, moving one of the shelves into place.

  Little Caleb hung on my arm. He made a noise. He was sensitive. I had a lot l wanted to say to Luke. I felt the blood in my veins start to heat. But I didn’t want to argue with Luke and risk upsetting Caleb when he was tired.

  The second kiss I gave him in the store, the one that followed up the first, that small kiss had me feeling embarrassed. I could have played the first kiss off, had it not been for that second kiss. That second kiss revealed more than the first. It showed that I cared, too. That I wanted so much more than just one. I hated that Luke might know that now.

  “Caleb’s tired. It’s time for his nap. Are you done?” I asked.

  “Mostly. I need something for the walls. But it’s good for now.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay.” He didn’t move to leave. “Do you like it?” He seemed really concerned about seeking my approval.

  Heat flooded my face. I loved it. If I thought on it too long, I’d probably start to cry. I loved how much he’d already done for our son. “It’s okay.”

  “Only okay?”

  “No, it’s fucking wonderful. Okay? You happy? Is that what you want to hear?”

  He frowned, taking a hesitant step closer to me. “You don’t need to swear. Not in front of Caleb.”

  I rolled my eyes at him. “You shouldn’t have kissed me,” I repeated.

  “I’m sorry.”

  That was just the thing—I wasn’t. And it was freaking me out. If I could have, if I knew he wouldn’t reject me and make me feel all the guilt come crashing down that I’d always felt for cheating on his brother, I would have grabbed him, told him he was stupid and stubborn, and kissed him right there.

  But I was afraid.

  “I’m going to run to the store and get stuff for dinner while Caleb naps,” Luke said. “Sorry again.” Then he stepped around me, out of the room, as if the events of the day hadn’t happened. Or at least, as if he were content on ignoring them from here on out.

  ~ CHAPTER 13 ~

  LUKE

  I went to the store. Then we had dinner together. It was all very civil. Very platonic. I tried to either not speak at all or, when I had to, to keep the conversation light. Then after the dishes, which I had to suffer through because Rebecca offered to help, I played with little Caleb while she went to the basement to workout.

  I was glad she was using my gym equipment. Not because she wasn’t as thin as she once was, but because I sensed she needed more time to herself. I got it. Watching Caleb was a constant thing. Doing this by herself for the first three years of his life had to have been exhausting. I was happy my band was between tours, between albums, on a hiatus at the moment. We’d canceled the end of our last tour, so Caleb could be with Emma, and now no one had talked about plans to reschedule those canceled shows. Eventually, we’d have to. But for now, it was December, Christmas coming soon enough, and I was exactly where I wanted to be–here with my son.

  “Do-do-do.” I walked the Daddy Pig character through the house, giving him a funny voice. “Honey, I love my new house.”

  Caleb laughed. Every time I changed my voice and acted him out, he thought it was the funniest thing, so I kept doing it.

  “George, George—where are you? Time for your bath.”

  More giggles from Caleb.

  At that moment, Rebecca came upstairs. She was sweaty, like she’d worked really hard tonight. Our eyes connected and seeing her like that sent a jolt of electricity through me. “I’m just going to shower really quick and then I can take over.”

  “Take your time. We’re good.”

  Fuck, I wanted to join her in the shower. It was all my mind could think about now. Rebecca’s body wet and naked. Not that I would have left little Caleb alone to play by himself, obviously, but once the thoughts were in my head, they weren’t going anywhere.

  Suffer in silence—that was what I told myself to do. I was good at that. I’d been doing that a long time.

  I didn’t deserve her. I fucked her while she was still with my brother. I betrayed her, because I should have had more control than that. And I betrayed him. I ruined their relationship, which had been a good one. She’d been happy with Caleb... I think. I got in the way of that. And now she had a kid because of me. Granted, little Caleb was an amazing kid, but he still came into her life at a time when she wasn’t prepared.

  After Rebecca finished her shower and returned to the living room, I decided to go to the basement myself. I needed space from her. I spent the rest of the evening lifting. I came up just in time to tell Caleb goodnight and then I hopped in the shower myself.

  I couldn’t push the image of Rebecca naked in my shower from my mind. Still. Hours later. Soapy and slippery, using all my shit because she had nothing else. Fuck me. All of this was agony. I turned the water cold and let it run over me. I stood there for what felt like forever until I heard a small knock on the bathroom door.

  “Yeah.”

  I turned off the water.

  “Are you almost done?” It was Rebecca. “It’s getting late. I need to pee and brush my teeth before bed.”

  I grabbed a towel, wrapping it around my waist, and stepped onto the bath mat. “Come in.”

  “Shit,” she said as she opened the door.

  “What?”

  Her eyes were on my wet, naked chest. Her expression said it all—she liked what she saw. She’d never looked at me like this before. Even the night we got together, when I think she noticed me for the first time in her life, she hadn’t stared at me with this intensity.