Never Love a Rockstar (Never Trust Book 3) Read online

  ~ CHAPTER 4 ~

  REBECCA

  I couldn’t even begin to choke down my pancakes. I knew Luke was coming to the house. Caleb mentioned it on his way out. He mentioned he planned to stay here at the house with us for a few days to get to know little Caleb better. So I’d made Luke a plate, my lame attempt at a peace offering, and I tried to eat my own dinner as I waited.

  It had been one thing seeing Caleb again after all these years. But seeing Luke again... it gutted me.

  I don’t even know why.

  Our one night together had been purely sexual. Kind of like scratching an itch. An itch I didn’t even know I had until it happened. It happened like four fucking times in one night, but it meant nothing. So why was I so nervous to see him again?

  Because my heart raced, and my skin seemed to vibrate. He wasn’t easy-going like Caleb. He wasn’t fun-loving like Ollie, their other brother. He was so damn calculated and serious all the time. Rarely cracking a smile. He kind of terrified me, and maybe that had something to do with why I was so nervous.

  “Hi,” he said, his voice like ice.

  “Hi,” I returned.

  He ate the food I made—so, there was that. Caleb Junior was in a good mood and mostly behaving—another plus. My son had such a fussy temperament, which I suddenly realized came straight from his daddy.

  I still didn’t quite understand how that one night between us ever happened in the first place. Because Luke Mills hated me. Always had. And now he had to hate me times ten.

  He’d changed since the last time I saw him in person. His brown hair was longer and unkempt. He seemed stronger somehow, and rougher around the edges. His hazel eyes, as they flickered up and met mine only once, were unrelenting and unforgiving.

  Yep, hates me.

  He finished his pancakes. Then without another word, he stood. He rinsed his plate at the sink, and left the kitchen.

  The moment I had the space to myself again, tears burned in my eyes. How many days until he kicked us out? I’d come back to Caleb hoping for help. But now that I knew with certainty Luke was the father, I knew help was the last thing I’d ever get from either guy.

  Caleb seemed so excited to tell me the news. It meant he could go back to his girlfriend in North Carolina. It meant he didn’t have to try for me and little Caleb anymore.

  I didn’t know what this all meant to Luke. Were we just a new thorn in his already prickly side? Just another annoyance, because everything annoyed Luke.

  I looked at my boy—he’d made a giant mess of syrup. I’d spent the last of my money on food at the grocery store today. I needed diapers. I needed a job. I had nowhere else to go. I had to figure something else out, and soon.

  With little Caleb on my hip, I headed upstairs to start the long process of getting him ready for bed. One nice thing the other Caleb had done was set up a room for my son. He’d bought him a bed, some toys, and clothes. I appreciated the hell out of all that. But now what? Would little Caleb even get to keep those things?

  I’d just filled the bath, sitting on the floor beside Caleb as he splashed in the water, our usual nightly routine, when Luke came in and leaned against the sink.

  I nearly had a heart attack. He stood there, watching us. I guess he was his son too. I guess this was fine. I didn’t know what the hell to think.

  Caleb had given me tons of space.

  This was the opposite of space.

  I felt heat creep over my skin knowing he was watching.

  “When’s his birthday?” he asked. A question his brother hadn’t asked in the three weeks I’d been living in his house.

  “October fifth.”

  “How much did he weigh?”

  “When he was born? He was big. Eight pounds, eight ounces.”

  “Did the delivery go okay?”

  I had to push an eight-pound kid out of my hooha, but other than that, it was all roses. “Yes.”

  “Where at? Tennessee?”

  “In Gatlinburg. Back home.”

  “Who’s on the birth certificate as the dad?”

  “No one. I left that part blank.”

  “So you knew?”

  I turned to look up at him. He had his muscular arms crossed over his chest. “I didn’t know.”

  His jaw tightened. “You knew he might be mine and you named him Caleb.”

  My skin itched. “Yes.” I wanted him to be Caleb’s so bad in that moment, a part of me angry with Luke over everything, that I’d named him Caleb.

  Luke bent down beside me. I wasn’t sure I liked having him this close to me. He made my chest burn. He picked up a Paw Patrol toy from the ground and passed it over to little Caleb.

  “I don’t want to call him Caleb,” he said.

  “That’s his name.”

  “And I had no choice in that. What’s his middle name?”

  “Arthur,” I said defensively.

  “Wow.” He said it like he hated it.

  “My grandfather’s name was Arthur.”

  “It’s a fine middle name.” He paused. “It has to be CJ then.” Before I had a chance to argue with him about the name, the weirdest thing happened—Luke spoke to my son in one of the kindest voices I’d ever heard on his lips. “Goodnight, CJ. Daddy has to work tonight. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

  Little Caleb stared at him blankly. At least he wasn’t getting upset. “Okay,” he answered after a moment.

  For a kid who barely ever answered direct questions, I was shocked. Like so shocked I didn’t move or speak as Luke left the bathroom. That was weird.

  That whole exchange was weird.

  I didn’t know what to feel.

  ~ CHAPTER 5 ~

  LUKE

  Guilt was a constant. I’d lived with it for four years now. Since the night I slept with Rebecca, it had been festering in my gut. But now that Caleb knew what I’d done, now that the truth was out in the open, I felt an even deeper hollow in the pit of my stomach.

  So when Caleb came back to his house, at midnight that night, a little drunk, and ready to put all these lyrics he’d written to Emma to music, I obliged him. At this point, I’d do whatever he wanted.

  Ollie came over, too. And Dani, our cousin and drummer, video conferenced us from North Carolina. She’d been living there the last month.

  Until dawn, the four of us worked together. We hadn’t all been this in-sync since we were teens. By the end of the night, we had four new songs. Songs I was pretty damn proud of. Hell, this was half an album. I even made the guys record the songs—not that they were album-worthy recordings, but I wanted to have something we could expand on later.

  After Ollie left, Caleb lie down face first on his couch in the basement. “I can’t go upstairs. I never want to see Rebecca again.”

  “It’s your house.”

  “So? I hate her.”

  “We both betrayed you that night. You should hate me as much as you hate her.”

  “I can forgive you,” he mumbled into the pillow. “You’re my brother. I’ll always love you. But I’ll never forgive her. She broke my heart. She fucked my brother. I hate her. You should hate her, too.”

  Had I ever given him the impression that I didn’t? “Of course I hate her, too.” Why didn’t I feel as convinced as I should have by my own words? “Get some sleep. Let me worry about Rebecca and CJ. You worry about Emma.”

  He was already drooling into the couch cushions before I finished speaking. Caleb liked to drink through the creating process. It helped him “open that vein”, so to speak. I never drank. It only made me feel more depressed.

  I went upstairs.

  It was daylight now. And I felt shaky and lightheaded from pushing myself all night. I also had nowhere to go. I didn’t have a room in Caleb’s house. So instead I went to collapse on the living room couch.

  I fell straight on the cushions, closing my eyes on impact. There was a strange static noise I wasn’t used to buzzing in the air. I opened one eye.

  Reb
ecca sat across the room in one of the winged, suede chairs. She had a book opened on her lap, and a cup of coffee tucked close against her chest. The static noise came from a baby monitor, which I guess meant little Caleb was still sleeping. Her eyes were on mine and we stared at each other for a long moment.

  I swallowed, feeling so many old emotions trying to resurface. It was funny how sometimes time changed everything. And sometimes time changed nothing at all.

  “You still have insomnia?” she asked me.

  “It comes and goes.” I sat up, unable to take my eyes off her, feeling the blood in my veins begin to pound harder.

  “Can I do anything to help?”

  “No.”

  “I could make some tea.” She kept doing that—trying to be nice to me. First the pancakes, now this. I wasn’t here to play house.

  “I don’t like tea.”

  “That’s a lie. I know you like tea. You like mint tea.”

  “Only to calm my stomach.”

  “I could make mint tea.”

  I didn’t like that she paid attention or that she remembered my preferences. It was little things like that that screwed me in the first place. So many small acts of kindness. It wasn’t only Caleb she’d taken care of when we were out on the road, at our shows. She’d also taken care of me. Ollie, too. Even Dani. I guess that was my problem. I mistook her kindness for something more.

  “Don’t be nice to me, Rebecca. I don’t fucking deserve it. I don’t like it.”

  She shut her book. “Do you think any of this is easy for me?”

  I had no idea what she meant. But I could tell I’d pissed her off.

  “Do you think I want to be here?” she demanded. “Because I don’t. I never planned to come back to Caleb. I never planned to let either of you know I had a kid. As soon as I figure something else out, another place to live, I’m leaving. This is all way too awkward for me. I will be out the door. And you won’t have to see me ever again.”

  That frightened me like no other. It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours since I officially found out I was a father. Now that felt threatened.

  I figured she’d come here to win back Caleb’s love. A video of my brother singing on the beach to Emma had gone viral—right about the time she’d first returned. But if she didn’t love Caleb, if jealousy wasn’t driving her motivations, then why was she back? Just for the roof over her head?

  Just then, my heart fucking betrayed me. It began thudding like mad inside the walls of my chest. All of it over Rebecca and concern for her that she didn’t deserve. “What about your mom?”

  “Not helping me anymore.”

  “Your dad?”

  “Died of a heart attack not long after little Caleb was born.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I needed a place to stay. I needed Caleb’s father. I didn’t plan anything past that.” She meant she hadn’t planned for me and my DNA to screw up her plan.

  “Okay,” I said, standing. “Go gather what you can of Caleb’s stuff. We’ll load my truck while we wait for him to wake up.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’re coming home with me. You can stay at my place for as long as you’d like. You need help from Caleb’s father? Then you’re going to get it.”

  I couldn’t tell if she liked my plan or not—she stared at me like I was some foreign creature for a full minute.

  “You don’t have a girlfriend or wife who this is going to upset?”

  I laughed. Did she know me at all? “I don’t date.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’m not good for anyone.” I sighed. I did not want to talk about my pathetic dating history with this drop-dead gorgeous woman who probably had to fight off marriage proposals every time she went to the supermarket. Which made me wonder. Why hadn’t she found some other man to take care of her by now?

  “Okay,” she finally said, emotion in her voice. “Thank you, Luke.”

  Well, damn the world. If my heart didn’t swell as she said my name.

  “It’s nothing.”

  It wasn’t nothing. I’d never shared my home with anyone before. I used to love this woman. I used to dream about her being mine. I used to pray nightly for it, even. And when I finally got her, when I thought something more was there for us—it turned out I was wrong. I waited for her. I fucking waited for days for her. Months. A year.

  I thought when she slept with me… I thought… I thought it meant… I don’t know what the fuck I thought! It hadn’t meant anything at all. That was the reality.

  I wouldn’t make that mistake a second time. I wouldn’t read into anything more than what it was at face value. The only reason I wanted Rebecca in my home today was for CJ’s sake. He was my blood. He was my son. I’d already missed out on three years of his life. I wouldn’t miss out on another day.

  If that meant I had to put up with Rebecca, too—fine. I could tolerate her for now.

  ~ CHAPTER 6 ~

  REBECCA

  I sat in the passenger seat as Luke drove. Little Caleb was in his car seat in the backseat. Thankfully, Luke’s old pickup had that second row. He was rich and famous now, but he still drove this same old truck. I guess he was as stubborn as he’d ever been.

  “Caleb’s not an easy kid,” I tried to warn him, glancing at him from the corner of my eye. “He doesn’t do well with change or breaks in his routine.”

  “He seems fine.” He pushed up the sleeves on his jean jacket, exposing his strong forearms, and he glanced at Caleb in the rearview mirror.

  “He’s a morning person and he loves car rides. So yes, he’s fine right this moment. I meant as a whole.” I don’t think he understood. How could he? He’d only known Caleb one day. And it had been a good day.

  He said nothing else.

  How do I tell him Caleb has autism? My mom’s reaction to that news was to take a step back. How would a bitter guy like Luke handle that sort of thing?

  “This is it,” he muttered.

  We pulled up in front of a one-story log house with a high slanted green roof. It wasn’t big, but it had to be the cutest house I’d ever seen. And the triangle windows that matched the shape of the roof gave it a charming look. His house was the only house on an empty backroad, tucked in the woods. Compared to Caleb’s mansion on rolling green hills, Luke’s house was charming. At this point, I liked anything that wasn’t Caleb’s.

  “Okay, buddy,” I said to my son. “Let’s go see this new house.”

  Caleb was excited. He loved being outside. He loved running wild. He loved new places. At least, he would love it for the next couple hours. He was like any other boy in that regard. Something new to explore. When it came time to settle down for the evening, though, it would be a different story.

  “It’s only a two-bedroom,” Luke said before I could even unbuckle.

  “I’ll sleep with Caleb.”

  “And there’s just the one bathroom.”

  “I can share with you, then. If that’s okay? I’ll keep my stuff tidy, I swear.”

  He breathed out, running a hand over the weeks’ worth of stubble on his face. “Are you still into fitness?”

  Yeah, a lifetime ago. I used to be obsessively into it. I guess he’d noticed that I wasn’t anywhere near as fit anymore. I swallowed. “Why do you ask?”

  “I have workout equipment in the basement. You’re welcome to use whatever.”

  So did he think I was fat? What the hell? Was this his way of telling me I needed to work out or something? Fuck him. I unbuckled and pushed open my door. “Can you just help me unload Caleb’s stuff?”

  “Yes.”

  Was this a giant mistake? Every time I moved houses, it was hard on Caleb. It took him time to adjust and get comfortable with his new surroundings. Was I about to put him through all that again only to have to move again in another week?

  Luke helped me unload. Well, he mostly did all the work while I chased Caleb around the yard. Then he gave me a tour of h
is small home. He seemed uncomfortable the whole time as he showed me around. Like I might be judging him somehow. Except, now I was worried he was judging me—my body, that is.

  I was never self-conscious. I knew I was beautiful. But suddenly, I felt inadequate.

  Luke was very good looking. All the Mills brothers were. They’d always been. I’d always noticed. But Luke—a little age suited him. The maturity and the lines around the corners of his eyes that his late twenties gave him, only made him more handsome. It was apparent he worked out now, a lot harder than before, and he had a body to show for it.

  Meanwhile, I’d had a baby and never fully lost the weight I’d gained. Then again, because of my son, I had more important things to worry about other than my ‘fitness.’ So, seriously, fuck him.

  “I haven’t slept. And I have a flight in about six hours to Virginia. I’m going to try to get some rest.” He said this to me outside his door as his short tour of the house came to an end.

  Caleb was in the living room playing with his toys, and I could hear him from where we stood. I already liked Luke’s house so much better than his brother’s mansion. No stairs. No giant layout for Caleb to get lost in. Nothing too expensive within reach that I had to worry about him breaking. Everything about Luke’s house was comforting.

  “I’ll try to keep Caleb quiet then.”

  “No, that’s not what I mean. You don’t have to keep him quiet. I’m just saying sorry I can’t help you watch him right now. And sorry that I have to leave. I’ll be back in a day or two. I’ll help you more with him then. You’ll have my full support, I promise. Maybe we could FaceTime while I’m gone so I can talk to him.”

  I stared at him.

  I was caught somewhere between surprised and thankful. “Okay.”

  I felt a nervous energy rolling off him as he didn’t move into his room like he just said he would. I’d felt this feeling around him plenty of times when we were younger. In the past, I always thought it was dislike and judgement radiating off him—right up until the moment he kissed me, and I kissed him back. So when I felt it now, it confused me.